Well as I just celebrated my 4 year anniversary since I was paralyzed from using needles, and now 4 years of being needle clean, my ex husband overdosed and died. I have a child with this man and a 6 year old granddaughter. We had been off and on since I was 14 years old. We finally got married when I was 30. Long after our daughter was born. We got divorced 4 years later. Yet He and his mother and his son were at the hospital alone with my mother and kids when I got out of spinal cord surgery which left me paralyzed from the waist down. And he just popped in about a month ago with his son Devon and ended up visiting for the whole day and night because they had to be somewhere early the next morning. I never dreamed that would be the last time I ever saw him alive. I got a text 2 days ago telling me that Brian had just overdosed and died here in Connersville. All I know is that fentanol was involved. His son was with him and he died at a close friend of ours since childhoods house. His son got arrested last night for PI and then they found pills on him so there is another charge. I knew he would take it bad and I worry that he will end up just like Brian. He has always idolized him. Wanting to be just like him in every possible way. So I really hope that maybe this will make him wake up and change his life. It will be that or he will soon join Brian. And he is so young with so much life left to live. He doesn’t realize that there is so much more to life than just chasing and dealing drugs in Connersville. He has never known any other way. This is the life he was brought up in and adapted to since he was young. Parents who are drug addicts. The mother is in jail facing dealing charges again and the father is now dead and gone forever. So I just hope that maybe someone will benefit from my blog and possibly take a different route in life because of what they read here on my site. I am posting some pictures of the kids and Brian when we were married back in 2000-2004. I am also posting the link to the go fund me for Brians funeral that my step daughter has for him. They do not have the money to put him away. His mother passed away almost a year ago and she was the glue of their family. So donate if you can and if not thanks for reading and please follow me on here or my Facebook page.
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In Loving Memory
My youngest daughter Mackenzie has just got her artwork published in her very first magazine. So I am trying to share it wherever I can and with whoever I can. She is very talented and always has been. She started out drawing when she was less than 2 years old. And at 3 she was decorating our walls with her art. Me and her father had to paint every wall before we moved out of our apt. She started with skulls in her teenage years, then got first place in an art contest in Richmond Ind when she was 16. Winning the contest with a life size portrait of herself. She then moved onto tattooing herself and others. She was amazing but she then moved on with special effects make up. Most of which she did on herself! Hard enough to do but on yourself it’s really amazing the things she can do!
Isn’t she beautiful??
Mackenzie is my youngest daughter. She is going to be 23 in June. She is a very talented artist, who also does her own special effects make-up on herself! She is also a pole instructor in Indianapolis! She only charges $20 an hour for lessons. Just fill out the form below if you are interested in receiving lessons from Kenzie.
This three legged dog is something else! I have never seen a dog who shows human emotions as well as this one does. He is Katie’s puppy from her one litter of pups she had before we got her fixed. When he was about 7 months old he got hit by a car. I had let katie and her 2 puppies out to go pee and katie led them right across the street. Well her and tubby made it across, and little lick did not. A guy brought him to our door telling me how sorry he was and that he ran right in front of him and he couldn’t stop in Time. Well we were bad junkies back then and couldn’t take care of ourselves let alone dogs really. But I have always loved animals more than most human beings and so even though we had no money to take him to a vet we didn’t have him put down. I cared for him the best way I could back then. We gave him pain reliever and kept him on a towel that was like a diaper since he couldn’t go outside on his own. He slept in my arms every night like a baby and I prayed that he would get better with what we were doing for him. He slowly got better and it was not long before he was up and running around again. But he was dragging that paw and had no feeling in it. You could tell it was not causing him pain but the problem was that eventually he would drag it down to the bone if it kept up. So to make a long story shorter, I went to prison for 9 months and Justin was a hot mess still while I was gone so my mother took Katie and her 2 puppies to her home to care for them until I got out. She took him to the vet and got his leg removed and he got fixed at same time so everything was done at once. He went home and recovered completely and it wasn’t long before he was outrunning all the other dogs who had 4 legs. My mother fell in love with him after the surgery and while I was gone. So when I got out of prison I only had one dog, Katie. Tubby her other puppy passed away shortly after mom got all 3 dogs, lick became my mothers dog and katie of course came right back to being my baby once I got out. Little lick had not forgotten me though. It took him a little longer to recognize me than katie when I first walked in the door after 9 months, but he eventually figured it out and was once again my little baby laying right in my arms again. So for years my mother has had him and he has lived a very good spoiled life. Until about 2 1/2 years ago when me and Justin were living in Richmond and I was still relearning to walk myself from being paralyzed from the waist down, asked me if I would take him. She knew I was the only person who would be able to take him in. He definitely has had his issues throughout the years and from what he has been through. He either had to stay with mom, get put down or come live with me katie and Justin again. She would have never had him put down, but she had ended up with about 4-5 dogs living at her house thanks to me or one of kids, and they had begun to run around like a wild pack of dogs when all together. And they were feeding off each other and getting more brave as they went. And so while none of the dogs were large really “chihuahuas and poodle sizes” they would go after something and u might get little lick come out of nowhere and bite an ankle and run or jump in with the other dogs in a fight. Little lick was not a fair fighter and had no problems with jumping in and helping out 2 on one! So I told my mother we would take him and try it out to see how it worked. I was still using my wheelchair at this time so I admit I had my doubts as to whether I could handle 2 dogs and everything else going on in my life. But this is the end results of all the pain and suffering that me and the three legged dog has been through. He is our baby! Katie was around him all through the years since my mother had him and katie lived with my mother also when I was first paralyzed and up in Indianapolis for 3 months. Plus me and Katie had to live with my mom and step dad for a while when I first got out of the hospital. So now katie and lick are as close as any 2 dogs can be. And I literally feel for these 2 dogs as if they were my kids. Katie has been there with me through everything from withdrawals to me getting paralyzed. She slept right in my hospital bed when I first got home. It is amazing how much love an animal can have for their owner and vice versa. So now we have 2 living in my trailer who are disabled, me and my dog. He definitely took to his disability way better than I did at first. But one thing I did learn from him is that you have to get up and just do it. You can’t lay around feeling sorry for yourself. If you did that then you may never get back up. Dogs do not sit around and gripe about what happened to them. They don’t sit around and expect you to feel sorry for them. They just get back up and do what they can do to the best of their ability. And that is why I am walking again today. Had I decided to just lay around feeling sorry for myself and letting others do everything for me then those muscles that were already almost non existent probably would have went on to actually being non existent. So I hope that perhaps this true story of 2 junkies and their disabled dog will help someone out there to see the way. And see that anything is possible in life. If you just believe. I have been off the needle for over 3 years now and Justin is on soboxone and that is amazing considering what a terrible junky he was back in the day. We have many problems and many issues still, but I would have never dreamed that we would all be back together years later after he went to prison for 4 years, I got paralyzed from using needles, Little lick losing his leg, and poor Katie getting thrown back and forth from places because of our issues either with prison or hospitals. Yet here we are!
So for anyone who read my last blog that basically introduced who I am and what has happened to me, you will know what this article pertains to. If you have not read my first blog or could not find anything on Free Trade, then let me explain a little more.
I have been saying this for years when it comes to addicts, especially heroin addicts, that they needed to legalize about everything and stop putting it all out there like basically shrouded in a cloud of mystery. I do not believe that they should legalize something like heroin just for the thrill of everyone in America to just get completely blown and have the time of their lives. And the only people who should receive it would be those who are just too far gone with their addiction at this time to even think about helping themselves.
They asked us in that class what we thought of the above article. And what our opinion was as to why the Netherlands do not have hardly any new addicts under the age of 40 now. Well in my opinion it is because they have taken that aura of mystique and lifted the veil for everyone to really see what it is.
When we are children and even as adults there are many of us who are always going to be doing the exact opposite of what we are told to do. And I think it is in every human being. That desire to touch what you are not supposed to touch, talk to whomever your not supposed to talk to, go where you are not supposed to go. If you believe in the bible then you will know that if you believe that way then it makes perfect sense for us human beings to be like that.
Because of Eve taking a bite of the forbidden fruit in the garden of eden, we as human beings were cast out of that paradise and then Jesus came and died on the cross for our sins, so that we can all one day go back to that paradise. All through the way of forgiveness basically. Now I am not a very religious person. I was never taken to church as a child. I was actually the one who got my family going to a small country church in our area when I was growing up. I got involved with a friend doing a christmas pageant at their church and after that my entire family began attending the church randomly and always showing up on Christmas Eve night for their Christmas pageant they had every single year.
So don’t quote me to be precise when it comes to speaking of things that are written in the bible. And it does not matter whether or not you believe in god and the bible or not when it comes to how we as human beings tend to behave. It’s a fact that most children in the world will all try and do the exact opposite of what their parents will tell them to do. So with this in mind that is why I feel that if you were to take these illegal drugs off the streets and really started treating addicts as if they are sick and not just criminals, then you will take all the glamour and wildness out of it. No kid ever looks at a diabetic and says wow I think I want to try that disease out.
So basically the Netherlands has taken the drug “heroin” and made it legal in their country. And they did not just stop there to fix their drug problem. They have made it completely free. Like it says in the article you cannot beat free. Even with legalizing something you still are going to have issues with a lot of crime if it is something that people can get addicted to and may not be able to come up with the money to pay for it. That is what probably constitutes most all of the crime when it comes to any type of drug crime. When that person is sick from not being able to find or able to afford that drug they are seeking.
Your average drug addict is a pretty happy camper once they have what they are wanting or their body is screaming for. They are not going to get out there and cause all kinds of chaos after they are high. Now they will cause all kinds of chaos while trying to find the drug, or trying to find the means to pay for that drug. And most do not ever think they would ever do half of the things that they end up doing to get the drug. I know from experience that your mind starts thinking thoughts that seem to be coming from a whole other person when you start to withdrawal from any type of opiate. You think it has to be another persons thoughts because you would never do those type of things right?
So the Netherlands also incorporated the Free Trade into their little experiment with heroin addicts. Now those people who were basically beyond hope in most peoples eyes are able to go to a clinic or hospital every day and get what they need. They do not have to worry about whether they are going to get busted while trying to get it or get it back home. They do not have to worry about how they are going to pay for it either. So now they are being treated like they actually have a disease instead of like they are Bonnies and Clydes running around causing hurt and pain to everyone they come across.
So all of the children of these die hard heroin addicts are no longer seeing mom and dad shooting up at home, or watching them flip out almost every single day as they try to get what there body needs before they begin to withdrawal so bad that they feel like they are going out of their minds. These same children are not going to be at as high of a risk of getting ripped out of their parents home and put in the child welfare system either. Before mom and dad was getting this for free at a clinic the odds were very high. Either from parents abusing their children because they cannot handle day to day life like they were living, or parents neglecting their children’s needs, or the state coming and taking kids from their parents because the parents cannot stay off the drugs.
Now those same parents can actually be parents to their kids because they may be able to hold a job, and hold onto an apartment plus the furnishings it takes to have a home. They can actually focus on the things they should be focusing on, instead of constantly focusing on how to sneak past the system so they don’t go to jail, or how to come up with the money needed to get the drugs, or just always focused on what a huge piece of shit they are because they just cannot seem to get it together like society says they should.
You also have many parents who were coming down with AIDS/HIV, Hepatitis C, and plenty of other non needle illnesses just because they never have the time or desire to take care of themselves like they should be.
So I know I have rambled about many things that legalizing heroin would do when it comes to making those addicts into decent people who could actually make it in society. And maybe you agree, or maybe you do not agree, but the results of what the Netherlands have been doing speaks louder than anything I or anything other addict could ever say.
It is working over there. They have reduced the crime rates over there. They have reduced the number of addicts they have in their country. They have definitely reduced the percentage of addicts who are under the age of 40. Which means they do not have mass amounts of younger people becoming addicted like we do over here. You have to do what actually works if you really want to take care of a certain problem.
I know from experience that the more you persecute, discriminate, and alienate people with drug addiction issues, you are just making them worse and lowering the chances of that person ever possibly becoming a constructive member of society. I know that in order to help someone or some cause you need to know what you are talking about. Not just statistically speaking. Just because you know all of the facts that does not mean that you know the right way of helping the situation. And even if your heart is in the right place and you want to help others, if you really do not understand it then you cannot ever really help it.
Once again I will speak of religion because I just heard a preacher talking about how Timothy was losing hope and so god sent Peter to him. Now why would god send Peter to Timothy? Because Peter had been through all of it. He understood how Timothy was feeling. He had lived through everything that Timothy was going through. He did not just send a random angel who had never sat one day in a cell. He sent someone who understood and would be able to get through to him and help him get through it.
So I just wonder why it is that all of our leaders and political figures feel that they are qualified to make the right choices when it comes to how to deal with a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. I mean if they have never been addicted to these things then how do they know anything at all about it really?
When constructing a new bridge over a river who do you get to do it? Someone who knows a whole freaking lot about it! Otherwise your going to end up with a bunch of cars falling into that river from that badly constructed bridge. If you are getting heart surgery, what Dr do you want to perform your surgery? Of course you want one who has done it many times and knows everything there is to know about it.
So why is it when it comes to the millions of addicted individuals we have in our country that half the time we have people who have never even been addicted to anything trying to help make that addict see what they need to do in order to get better? Or we have politicians and Dr’s who have never had a single withdrawal in their life making the whole rules of the game up as they go.
They are deciding how addicts should get punished, whether or not they should be punished if they won’t stop doing these drugs. They are deciding whether or not a person should just be able to quit cold turkey or not. And putting it into societies head that you are a criminal who does not care about your family or anything else if you can’t or won’t do it.
And you see this every single day in the fact that millions of non violent offenders who are just addicts and did nothing else but have dope on them or in their system that society says they shouldn’t have had on them or in their systems, sitting in prison cells.
You see it in the way the food stamps are now handled in our country. You can be a child molester, murderer, human trafficker, or anything else besides a drug offender and still get food stamps. You can even get caught selling your food stamps and only get penalized for a 1 year period! Yet if you have been busted with drugs then you are to never get them again. Now does that really make sense?
You see all of this in the way that parolees are treated. If you are a drug addict getting out on parole then here is what you are facing. You are back into society with nothing usually. So here comes the stressor’s. You have to get a job. But most places do not like hiring felons. You need a place to live and food to eat. Yet you will get no help with food if you have a drug felony on your record, and you probably are getting no HUDD with that felony of yours.
Now you also have to stay clean. Your an addict but we expect you to have control over that addiction. And if you do not have control then we are going to throw you right back into that cage where you are treated no better than an animal half of the time. “Actually I treat my dogs much better than most guards treat inmates” I love my dogs and they are like my family.
So we also know that addicts do not do well with stress. Most addicts have become addicts from using substances to escape from the reality of their lives. Some bad thing happens and so you try and feel better by using some sort of substance that helps you forget. Or you just have an addictive personality and when you were trying to be cool in high school with your friends you tried what they tried. But now your still living that nightmare every day while others who did it just walked away and never thought about doing it again. So they are left with that feeling of worthlessness, feeling weak, or like something is wrong with them.
Doesn’t matter how you got addicted, what matters is that you are addicted and your always going to be an addict. So they do not do well with stress. They have learned how to deal with reality without having some sort of crutch like drugs to help them out. So what do you think that most addicts are going to do when they are faced with all of these obstacles upon first getting out of prison?
Of course they are going to try and escape. Then they feel bad again and like they are weak, and nothing will ever get better for them. Because now on top of everything else they are going to have to run around for next 3-5 days hoping to god that the parole officer does not come and piss test them. So you add that to the mix and next thing you know you have the addict saying Fuck it, I might as well just do it up and who gives a fuck type attitude. Because you do feel as though you will never be able to do it. And most out there even have to get out to their entire family being on drugs. So their only means of help that a lot of people have is not there for them. They are actually placed in a position where society tells you that if you want to stay clean then you have to stay away from people who use. But what if that literally is everyone that you know almost?
So how do you break this terrible cycle of addiction? I will never claim that I know all the answers. And there never will be a perfect solution that will just solve the whole entire problem. But I do believe that you have to start changing how addicts are looked at in society, how they are treated in society, and how you are going to help them in society.